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“What is Tantra, Really? #1”

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The first time I ever heard anything about Tantra – beyond the usual cliches and stereotypes – was about twenty years ago, from a friend of mine who had been taking some workshops. Too curious to keep quiet, I asked him: ‘What is Tantra, really?’ He thought for a moment then replied, slightly smiling: ‘I guess you could say it’s rather like playing a game of football, but without the goalposts.’

What is Tantra, really?

That made me laugh. A rather amusing analogy, I thought, for the practice of sex without ejaculation – one of the things Tantra is known for.

‘But what would be the point of that?’ – I asked. ‘Isn’t that just removing the best bit?’ My friend was no expert on Tantra but his answer still intrigued me. ‘Without the goal, all you have is the game … then it becomes about the play, the pleasure – the present moment.’

My first Tantra workshop

A few months later, my then boyfriend – who had also been chatting with our mutual friend – persuaded me to go away with him on a weekend Tantra workshop. It was out in the sticks but not far from London, so we went on his motorbike. I was nervous and excited – we’d been asked to bring ‘sexy clothing’ – I had no idea what to expect!

My memories are hazy now but a few things still stand out for me. The workshop was open to both singles and couples. The teachers encouraged couples to do some exercises together but to also try partnering with others, as a positive challenge to their relationship.

Here came my two most mortifying, ego-squirming moments:
What is Tantra, Really?

1) Having to pair up with a man I’d only met briefly at breakfast and talk about what I liked – sexually – for twenty minutes! TWENTY MINUTES of just me talking and him just listening! Then, we swopped. It seemed like an eternity for both of us: initially deeply embarrassing, but ultimately liberating. My boyfriend and I later tried this together and it was quite illuminating to realise how many things we didn’t know about each other’s desires and frustrations.

2) A dancing ritual where all of the men/women danced for all of the women/men, one on one, rotating in a circle around the room. Trying to do a sensual dance for the middle-aged man seated before me while my man got practically lap-danced by a flirty, giggling redhead was tantric torture to my green-eyed twenty-something self!

Despite these challenges, my boyfriend and I found the whole experience to be quite profound, insightful and fun. I also remember that we left that workshop feeling more connected, as a couple, than we’d ever felt before.

My first Tantra books

What is Tantra, Really?

Shortly after, I bought my first Tantra book – Tantra for the West by Marc Allen – and was surprised to discover that it was actually a whole path: a complete philosophy and approach to life, with Tantric sex being only a part of that.

Slightly disappointed by the rather ‘dry’ reading, my boyfriend bought me my second book – Tantra & the Tao: The Secrets of Sexual Ecstasy by Gilly Smith. A much more gripping read, we would take it in turns to read aloud from the ‘ancient checklist of thrust variations’ and then collapse in spasms of laughter at the descriptions: “Strike out to the left and right as a brave warrior trying to break up the enemy ranks”; “Push in slowly as a snake entering a hole to hibernate”; and – best of all – “Poise, then strike like an eagle catching an elusive hare”.

What is Tantra, really?

As you may have gleaned, my early experiences and views of Tantra were arguably rather limited – not to mention immature! It was also much more my boyfriend’s ‘thing’ than mine, and once we parted ways I embarked more fully on my own path – of music and voice, creativity and spirituality. It would be another fifteen years before I finally reconnected with Tantra.

What is Tantra, Really?

Having begun this post by sharing some personal anecdotes, I will conclude it with two definitions: the first from a very experienced and respected Tantra teacher, and the second from a long-established school of Yoga, Tantra and Spirituality. These should give you a brief but much broader view of what it’s actually about – in the words of those who live, breathe and teach this work.

Definitions of Tantra

Leora Lightwoman – London, UK.

Tantra is primarily about uniting love and sexuality with awareness. The word ‘Tantra’ comes from Sanskrit roots and means ‘weaving’ and ‘expansion’. We can understand this to mean that when we fully accept (weave together) all aspects of life, our horizons expand so that we perceive and experience life more fully and joyfully.

Source: Tantra: The Path to Blissful Sex

Tara Yoga Centre – London, Oxford & Cambridge, UK.

Tantra is much more than eroticism. It is the spiritual path that teaches the true art of living and of saying YES to life in all its aspects. Tantra teaches us how to live every moment with intensity, lucid awareness and detachment, and how with love and understanding we can abandon to the flow of life. Then, life itself becomes a continuous and joyous lesson, teaching us all we need to know, transforming us for the better, and supporting us in realising our full potential.

Source: Tara Yoga Centre 

In closing

This is the first time I’ve published a post on the topic of Tantra. It will not be my last! Since reconnecting with it, as a (slightly) more mature adult, Tantra has become an increasingly valuable part of my life.

Generally provoking a variety of responses, from scepticism and concern to curiosity and humour, it’s undoubtedly a subject worth exploring further.

Please add a rating above and any comments or questions below. 

To read part 2 of my three-part Tantra series, click HERE.

For more on Tara Yoga Centre, see link above and my earlier post – “Relaxation & Happiness”

For more on Leora Lightwoman’s workshops, go to her website.

22 Comments

  • George Kattenbeck

    22nd June 2018 at 10:43 pm Reply

    Hi Tracy,
    Tantra turned up in my life once as well. I always wondered why people made such a fuss out of it. I started with Zazen and studying Koans when I was 16. I never understood why there is a focus on sex as you should learn awareness with everything! I am waiting for a course: “Shitra” – the wisdom of the loo.
    Best wishes
    George, Germany.

    • Tracy Starreveld

      23rd June 2018 at 9:43 am Reply

      Hi George

      Thanks for sharing some of your own experience!
      I know very little about Zazen – other than it’s a type of meditation practised in Zen Buddhism.

      My understanding is that Tantra IS about bringing a state of ‘relaxation with awareness’ to everything we do, not just sex. I think one of the reasons why there is this focus on sex in Tantra is because sexual energy is one of the strongest energies we can experience and therefore it’s perhaps easier, healthier and wiser to harness this as a gateway to higher states of being – rather than deny or suppress such a strong energy.

      Will keep you posted if I hear of any upcoming ‘Shitra’ workshops!

      Tracy.

  • Agnieszka

    24th June 2018 at 10:47 pm Reply

    Tracy, that’s a beautiful, funny and such a true story! It is just like you 🙂 you write a great story because it is so you 🙂 I love it. Please write more, I know you have a lot to add, especially more recent ones 😄😄❤️

  • Sofia Bustamante

    26th June 2018 at 12:53 pm Reply

    Hi Tracy, I really liked this article. It took me on a journey. It is actually a very good question – What *is* Tantra, actually? I bet a lot of people think the same and don’t think to ask it! Thank you for giving me a peek into many aspects of it in a real and light-hearted way. Reading your article, I felt as though I learned something along the way. I’d had some small experiences but you made me want to return .. to encounter it at a different stage in my life!

    • Tracy Starreveld

      26th June 2018 at 5:10 pm Reply

      Hi Sofia
      Lovely response – thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment!
      Great that you are tempted to dip your toes in again – I can definitely recommend the Tantra teacher and school referenced in my post.
      Tracy 🙂

  • Nathalie

    29th June 2018 at 4:57 pm Reply

    What an inspiring and insightful article, Tracy – please keep them coming! It’s great that you are talking about Tantra being a whole spiritual path, rather than just about sex! If I wasn’t already interested in it, I would definitely want to find out more after reading your article ;-). Love & hugs xxxx

    • Tracy Starreveld

      29th June 2018 at 5:55 pm Reply

      Hello Nathalie

      Ah – that’s pretty much the best response and result I could hope for! I’m working on part 2 right now!
      Thanks so much for your positive encouragement.

      Hugs back,
      Tracy : )

  • David McMahon

    26th July 2018 at 5:33 pm Reply

    Hi Tracy,
    I like the football without the goalposts analogy, very good. I feel the contrast between playful curiosity and later more mature discovery – I can relate to the line of growth in my own journey. And I am reminded of my own habit of apologising for our culture’s misconceptions when I happen to mention it to someone – ‘I go to a weekly Tantra class and we keep our clothes on and it’s amazing’. Maybe I should start assuming people already know that.

  • Michael

    10th August 2018 at 12:29 am Reply

    Such a beautiful story, Tracy 😊
    Having been attending Tantra classes and workshops for over 4 years now, I can share from my own experience that it is a powerful body of knowledge and practices that can take us on the path of the true art of living. It teaches us how to properly use our energies to make things happen at all physical levels (mind, emotions, body) as well as beyond. It teaches us how to bring love, intimacy and spirituality together, surrendering ourselves into the flow of life. Tantra can deliver us to higher dimensions of awareness and consciousness. But it all depends on how refined our Tantra is: higher or lower energies. Lower energies alone, like unrefined sexuality, deliver some satisfaction and can lead to a certain transformation, but it will be limited. The higher path, the one of the spirit that is beyond physical, is significantly more challenging but proportionately more effective and rewarding. Spiritual intimacy and ecstasy are reached when energies meet and expand way beyond the physical realm. Keep exploring it Tracy, and please keep writing about it!
    I loved every bit of your story.
    Warmest hugs xXx

  • Sebastiana Black

    14th August 2018 at 4:54 pm Reply

    Hey Tracy,
    I enjoyed your article. I am starting to recognise your writing ‘voice’: full of cheeky humour, honesty and deep insight too. Really interesting to read about Tantra as a spiritual path.

  • Lilith Perkins

    22nd September 2018 at 9:43 pm Reply

    I love your tantra topic! I found this blog very intriguing and fun and it reads really well too. It’s really interesting to learn more about Tantra as I don’t think many people understand what it involves. x

  • Amelia

    27th November 2018 at 11:43 pm Reply

    Hey Tracy! I can see why you are in the trade you’re in…you write with such clarity and personality. Love your style…how you anticipate the myths and resistance, while putting forward such compelling reasons for your own deep involvement.

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