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“Me and Rosie Lee”

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I have a bit of a thing for tea. Black tea, that is.

When I say black tea I don’t mean tea without milk. I mean, as opposed to herbal tea. Tea with caffeine in it. Tea with tannin in it. Tea with tea in it. Tea – innit.

Builders’ tea. Elephant’s toenail tea, as my Step-Dad calls it. Cuppa splosh or ‘tasse de splosh’ – as my Grandad calls it, in ‘franglais’. Nice cuppa char, or – in rhyming slang – Rosie Lee.

Cockney Rhyming Slang

At my last house share we called it ‘normalitea’ to distinguish it from our ever-expanding range of herbals.

Then there was EG or EB, Earl Grey or English Breakfast, when we were going through our Twinings phase.

I’ll be honest. I am ridiculously picky when it comes to tea. More picky than I’ve been about men, and that’s saying something. It’s the area of my life where I am most high-maintenance. If a man can handle me in the tea department, the rest will be a breeze.

My work colleagues have given up even offering to make me a brew now because they fear they could never meet my exact specifications. They are right. I have at times offered bespoke training in the staff kitchen and it amuses them for a while. Some are even inspired to upgrade their own tea-making methods: ‘Oh, it does taste nicer when you let it brew a bit, doesn’t it?’ Of course it does! It’s tea not hot water.

How do you like your Rosie Lee?

You know those people who, when asked how they like their tea, simply respond, ‘as it comes’? I confess, I cannot understand it. It’s so far from my position on the brown stuff – it leaves me quite aghast. As it comes?! Well, what’s the bloody point? I mean, where’s the pleasure in a cuppa if you can’t have it just exactly as you want it?

I have been known to turn away tea – made for me by a loved one – for failing to please me. Shamelessly, I send it back – with a scoff, a scowl or a wave of the hand: ‘Pah! I’m not drinking that!’ If I’m feeling magnanimous I may smile sweetly and thank them, then – when safely out of sight – slop it down the sink and make myself another.

If you don’t want to see my dark side, you might want to show me the kettle and suggest I help myself.

For those who like to live life on the edge, however, here’s the spec’. Not ‘as it comes’ – but ‘as I like it’:

Well-brewed, with lots of milk, and no sugar.

But don’t scuttle off to the kitchen just yet. There’s more.

Sit down, have notebook and pen poised, and prepare for:

Tracy’s Tea Tutorial

First, the make:

Rosie Lee

I will not tolerate Tetley, PG Tips or even Yorkshire Tea – which I’ve been told by some is the best tea. Not in my world. Don’t even think of serving me any supermarkets’ own brands, especially those with the word ‘value’ on the packet.

If you’re paying less than £3.00 for 50 bags, you are an affront to British heritage. I used to swear allegiance to Twinings EB until my sister-in-law introduced me to Twinings ED, Everyday, and that was it. I had found the one. So no EG or EB for me, but yes please, ED. Give me ED, every day, about 4-6 times please.

Second, the milk:

Here’s a rap, to help you remember:

First choice – full-fat, second choice – semi.

First choice – full-fat, second choice – semi.

Life, seriously, is too short for skimmed milk. It’s like adding water to water – why would you? I was raised on semi- but discovered full-fat everything in my 20s and fully converted. Everything tastes so much better with the fat left in it. But don’t get me started on that one. Low-fat/no-fat? That’s a whole other thing. The milk must also be organic. Better for me, better for the cow – and doesn’t have the slightly-rancid aftertaste of factory-farmed milk. Don’t ask!

Third, the mug:

I like a big mug. Not the ridiculously-oversized ones you can barely get a grip on. I mean – a nice, big mug. Drinking tea from a cup and saucer is pointless unless you’ve got a big pot to top up from. A tea cup is a tea tease. I will always want more. The colour of the crockery is also important. Tea always tastes better from a white mug. Why is that? Dark shades make the tea look and taste watery. Bright shades like yellow or pink make it look putrid. Bone china is best, but not a deal-breaker.

And fourth, the method:

Water must be just-boiled. Accept no less. For many, ‘just boiled’ means boiled in the last five minutes – and that’s not the way we do it. If the water is not hot enough, the tea will take ages to brew or worse, not brew at all. After 2-3 minutes, with occasional stirs to stimulate the transfusion of flavours, remove the bag and then, only then, add the milk.

Rosie Lee, Rosie Lee – DIFFERENCE & DIVERSITEA

Now, before you start writing me off as a selfish, snobbish, demanding tea-despot, I would like to point out that – with me, with Rosie Lee – it does go both ways. I actually get great pleasure from making a cup of tea for someone else, just exactly as they like it.

My Mum, for example, likes her tea well-brewed but with just a splash of milk, semi-skimmed. My Grandad likes it pretty much the way I do, but with two sugars.

My good friend Vanessa likes her hot water with just a tinge of tea, bag wipped out quick. My colleague, Chris, likes his in a small mug or cup, ‘espresso-style’.

These efforts to please are appreciated by some but sadly lost on many, simply because – you know what? – most people really don’t care much either way.

After all, it is just a cup of tea.

QUESTION: How do you like your tea?

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