“What is Tantra, Really? #2”
Towards the end of 2012, I found myself googling: Tantra Workshops London. Something was prompting me to reconnect with this thing I’d first tasted in my twenties, that had both challenged and delighted me. I was in quite a different place now – fifteen years older, and single.
For Part 1 of my Tantra series, go to: What is Tantra, Really? #1
Reconnecting with Tantra
In October 2012, I had experienced two very significant endings:
Firstly, I stepped down from a very demanding but dear-to-me voluntary role, having served three years on the board of a small arts association.
Secondly, just days later, my father passed away at the age of 64 from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, after years of slow decline.
It was a tumultuous time of mixed and big emotions: love, grief, guilt, regret, fulfilment, frustration, loss and huge relief. Both my director and daughter roles had become burdens of responsibility, with little time or energy left over for me. Not only was I needing to reconnect with myself and feel all these things – but I was also longing to shine a light on the one thing that had been most neglected in those preceding years: my love life.
Tantra as a healing path
A month later, I found myself – courtesy of a Groupon voucher – at an evening workshop led by Leora Lightwoman, a London-based Tantra teacher. It was a gentle, accessible introduction which led us playfully through a series of exercises and encounters – aimed at deepening our connection to our bodies, our hearts and to each other.
It concluded with a very simple ‘eye-gazing’ exercise which I, coincidentally, ended up doing with a much older man. The idea was to use the ‘eye-gazing’ as an opportunity to fully be with and honour the other. With this man, in that moment, I felt the kind of loving presence and deep connection that I had always wanted with my father but had rarely experienced. Though simple and brief, the exercise was profoundly moving – allowing me to really feel my feelings, with a supportive male ‘partner’.
Diamond Light Tantra
Soon after, I signed up to a year-long programme of workshops with Leora, as a way of making a deeper commitment to this part of my life.
Leora’s work comes under the banner of Neo Tantra which fuses traditional teachings with more contemporary ideas and practices. Her particular approach, Diamond Light Tantra, draws on her background in traditional tantra, body psychotherapy, meditation, voice dialogue and counselling.
Diamond Light Tantra is about healing. It is about healing the relationship we have with ourselves, our bodies, and our sexual nature. It is about healing our hearts, our relationships with others, and remembering our essential true nature or Spirit.
Source: Diamond Light Tantra website
Tantra as a healing path
In my experience, and in that of countless others I’ve met through this work, Tantra can be profoundly healing in a number of ways:
Healing our relationship with our bodies
Whatever our age, size or sex – many of us suffer from insecurities, inhibitions, lack of confidence and a distorted view of our bodies. Tantra does not disregard our physical bodies, but teaches us to honour and celebrate them – in all their wondrous diversity – as vehicles for our physical, sexual and spiritual experiences. In Leora’s work, the physical body is also harnessed in energetic healing processes, whereby physical tensions and emotional blocks can be released through specific types of movement and breathwork.
Healing our relationship with our own sex/gender
Tantra workshops often include opportunities for men and women to spend time apart, to explore more gender-specific themes. For many, it is quite rare to find themselves in an entirely same-sex environment. For those who have had negative experiences, eg: with same-sex schooling, this can feel quite uncomfortable. It is quite common to hear people expressing a preference for opposite sex friends. Painful previous experiences can lead to a deep-seated distrust of one’s own gender. Tantra is a wonderful way of reconnecting with what it means and how it feels – to each of us – to be a woman or a man, and to spend positive quality time with other women or men. This is especially important these days – where equality is often confused with sameness, which isn’t always true or helpful.
Healing our relationship with the opposite sex/gender
Much of the above can also be applied to our relationship with the opposite sex. Negative experiences can create disillusion, distrust or disconnection, where we either find ourselves attracting dysfunctional relationships or avoiding them all together. Tantra provides an abundance of opportunities to encounter the opposite sex – within structured, supported exercises – and to begin to recognise and transform our habitual patterns of relating.
Healing our hearts
Tantra is much more about love than sex. It constantly seeks to reunite the two. Yet so many of us become disillusioned or shut down to love as we get older and notch up our frustrations, failures and hurts. We settle for something less – ‘low maintenance’, ‘friends with benefits’, ‘no strings’ – or nothing at all. Tantra reconnects us with our hearts, so we can clear away the debris of past disappointments and open up to deeper, more fulfilling experiences of intimacy.
Healing our sexual selves
Sex is one of the most powerful and pleasurable experiences we can have in life, and yet it continues to be dishonoured and distorted in so many ways – from suppression, denial and shame, to objectification and abuse. Tantra brings the beauty and sacredness back into sex; it heightens awareness, sensitivity and sensuality; it expands pleasure from a genitally-focused to a full-body experience; and it deepens connection and communication.
One core element of Leora’s work is the theme of boundaries. It’s a simple idea which we often explored in a partnered exercise called Yes, No, Maybe, Please. I found this to be an incredibly insightful and fun way of discovering and asserting our boundaries.
Tantra is essentially about choosing to say ‘yes’ to life. And yet, until we are able to truly express our ‘no’ (…) and to have that respected in relationships, then our ‘yes’ is not clear.
Many people find it difficult to say ‘no’. Others find it hard to hear a ‘no’ from someone else, because they experience it as rejection.
Learning how to say and receive ‘no’, and still to remain in contact, in relationship with that person, with an open heart, hugely widens our potential for pleasure and intimacy.
Source: Tantra ~ The Path to Blissful Sex by Leora Lightwoman.
Tantra as a healing path
In closing
Tantra is much more than just healing, of course. I have chosen to focus on this aspect here, firstly because I believe that’s what brought me back to it after a long gap, and secondly because I think Leora’s approach is particularly healing. Not all Tantra teachers have this therapeutic training or focus. Leora’s workshops seem to offer a ‘safe space’ for singles and couples to explore their edges, share their insights, ask for support and be guided through any challenging moments.
With healing also comes a sense of liberation, transformation, relaxation and openness, playfulness and joy. I loved being able to explore, embody and express my feminine energy in an environment that felt boundaried and respectful.
Four months into my Tantra programme, I began a brand new relationship. I didn’t meet him through Tantra, but I do believe this was helping me feel more open and receptive, more feminine and confident than I’d felt in a very long while.
This second instalment in my Tantra series is part-personal narrative, part-review of one teacher’s work. I have also set out to further answer the question, ‘What is Tantra, really?’ in my own experience. Please feel free to share your own experiences, reflections or questions in the comments below.
For part 3 of my three-part Tantra series, click HERE.
For more on Leora Lightwoman’s workshops, go to her website or check out the introductory videos below.
17 Comments
Brian Ackie
WOW! Utterly loved what you shared and how engaging you are when you communicate.
This piece really reflects my own journey of awakening and the path I am still on.
What you write inspires me to keep asking the question, “What is Tantra really?” every day and not take my experience for granted.
Looking forwards to the next instalment.
X
Tracy Starreveld
Hello Brian
Thank you so much for your lovely feedback.
So happy you were able to identify with what I wrote and were inspired by it.
Sure you will enjoy part 3, then! : )
Tracy.
Eva
I loved your insight that tantra is more about love than sex. Most newcomers to tantra don’t know that, some even feel disappointed that “love” is such a key element to tantric sex, contrary to their initial perception of tantra as a fast track to better sex.
I agree that the teachings of tantra can be therapeutic to those who approach it as a spiritual path rather than a fast fix. It’s been the case with me and I didn’t have to wait long to realise the benefits.
Please keep these articles coming, I quite enjoy them!
Tracy Starreveld
Ah – thanks Eva!
So happy to hear you are enjoying my Tantra series.
I think you’re spot on there – about many people seeing Tantra as a ‘fast track to better sex’ first and foremost.
Sure I was guilty of that when I first came across it too! ; )
Tracy.
David McMahon
Thank you Tracy, you have shared so much that is powerfully good about Tantra here, and I do agree the way we live and learn means we often need healing to more fully appreciate ourselves and others. I really welcome the idea that Tantra is saying ‘yes’ to life, part of my healing has been learning to spend less time thinking about the past and the future and more on where I am and what I am doing right now. I often find myself astonished and delighted that the present moment has so much to offer, like a goldfish, but in a good way 😉
Tracy Starreveld
Hi David
I love what you’ve said about focusing on where you are and what you are doing right now, and your goldfish analogy – that gave me a proper laugh!
And yes, definitely ‘in a good way’! : )
Tracy.
Sebastiana Black
Hey Tracy!
I enjoyed part 2 which is opening my heart to what Tantra really is. It sounds like a powerful path towards being a fully human being and I am happy you are on it. I was touched by the ‘saying yes to life’ attitude which has been part of my journey too. Look forward to the next instalment!
Tracy Starreveld
Thanks Sebastiana – so glad you enjoyed part 2.
Part 3 is the last one of the trilogy – happy reading!
Tracy.
Lilith Perkins
Really interesting and insightful read, I didn’t know Tantra is so focused around healing. A question I thought of when I read about the same/opposite sex healing, does Tantra also incorporate same sex couples and sex in the teachings/workshops?
Tracy Starreveld
There are many different schools and teachers, drawing on different trainings and teachings to offer their own unique brands of Tantra. Some focus more on the therapeutic and healing elements; some more on the sexual or spiritual aspects; others offer a more integrated approach.
Your question is a good one – though I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer it!
Tantra, as I have come to know it, does not exclude anything or anyone – its ethos is to embrace and integrate all. The Tantra teachers I’ve worked with always include time for men and women to spend quality time connecting with their own gender. This is inherently healing and connecting. That said, there is a strong focus on the polarity of the masculine and the feminine, represented by the images/deities of Shiva and Shakti. Men are encouraged to explore and develop their masculinity, women – their femininity. For these reasons, some of those who don’t identify as ‘heterosexual’ might perceive Tantra as rather ‘heteronormative’ and therefore not fully representative of other sexualities. These people would be the best placed to answer this question. I would also like to hear more Tantra teachers address this.
American writer/teacher, David Deida, on the other hand, would say that each of us has a predominant essence – either masculine, feminine or balanced/neutral – regardless of our gender, and that it’s important to identify and embrace whatever that is for each of us, including our choice of partner. He has written extensively on sex, relationships and spirituality but does not identify as a Tantra teacher.
Andrew
Hi Tracy,
Getting around to reading parts 2 & 3 – perfect on a cold autumn night
Yes, the boarding school experience makes it challenging to open to others of the same sex – such powerful emotions, only really started sharing honestly with a couple of male friends this last year, the feelings are much more manageable and acceptable when expressed to a friend.
Loved your take on Leora, one of my female friends has been going for a few years and I’ve not really heard her talk in any detail – I guess you are advocating a fully loving relationship with one person and giving as close to 100% of your heart as possible..?
Like the boundary thing, I did her cuddle workshop and found the power of a no unexpectedly liberating and empowering – it is the relationship with my own heart which is where the healing takes place. I often tried to ignore my heart and let the head tell me that I should be open to love, who was I to deny my partner but acting from a joyful heartfelt place is the only way to give.
Connecting the heart, body and mind through the guidance of the quiet soul is the practice.
Andrew
Tracy Starreveld
Hi Andrew
Thanks for sharing your thoughts – so glad it ‘warmed your cockles’ on a chilly October evening!
I wasn’t consciously ‘advocating’ any particular kind of relationship but I guess we all write from our own particular point of view or paradigm at the time.
I like what you’ve said about your relationship with your own heart.
Look forward to hearing your thoughts on part 3!
Tracy : )
Andrew Paterson
Thank you Tracy.
Sharing your own experiences encourages me to reflect and give value to my own, from where I am right now. Been consciously trying to open my heart and listen to its wishes after many years of suppressing and ignoring it. Sharing with others honestly is essential in this journey and I thank you again for opening this door and sharing your experiences.
Tracy Starreveld
Hi Andrew
Seems like reading my Tantra blogs has sparked off a lot of your own reflections and insights.
Hope it has been a useful and enjoyable process for you.
Love what you have written about opening your heart and listening to its wishes. Must remember that!
All the best with your onward journey : )
Tracy.
Andrew Paterson
Thank you again for sharing Tracy.
I am in a relationship but have been consciously opening myself and finding that I’m attracting interest from women – I did the single sex boarding school and came out of a 12 year relationship and am actually asking my heart – giving it permission to love and talk to me after many years of actively ignoring it. Boundaries and the feelings of others are issues of which I am unsure – new territory for me, would often wait for a woman to actively express an interest in me – rather than finding the courage to express my attraction for the women I felt drawn to. Have always been monogamous but denied my heart for fear of any pain I might cause my partner – which was ultimately dishonest. My parents separated when I was 18 and my Mother never got past it…
Developing more open relationships where my heart can speak its truth is the way forward, especially with men – I am uncomfortable as I write this so thank you, expressing uncertain feelings allows for greater clarity – feel so ignorant of my own and others hearts sometimes.
Amelia
My! That is not an easy subject to break down for a novice…but you did it. Thanks for the strong entry into a widely misunderstood topic.
Tracy Starreveld
Hi Amelia
Really happy to have been able to introduce you to the topic in an accessible and – hopefully – enjoyable way!
Tracy.