“Two Approaches to Trust”

I have been dating, both online and off, for the past few months. It may not yet have thrown me the man of my dreams but it has given me plenty of practice in dealing with differences. In intimate relationships there will always be differences. Some are minor. Many are attractive. Others are infuriating and some can prove to be irreconcilable. In my experience, a potential deal-breaker in any new relationship is whether or not we agree on the issue of trust.

Trust in relationships

When this comes up in conversation with a new date or partner it appears to be a key area where we either clash or concur. In conversations with friends too, both male and female, it strikes me that people tend to gravitate towards one of two approaches:

1. I choose to trust my partner unless or until they give me a reason not to.
2. I only trust my partner to the extent to which they have proved themselves trustworthy.

With the first approach, trust is assumed. You give them the benefit of the doubt. They are innocent until proven guilty.

With the second approach, trust is not immediately given. It is only granted as it is earned, presumably through good behaviour.

But which is the wisest approach?

I definitely lean instinctively towards the first but I am encountering people that see this approach as naive and foolish:

‘What?! You’re going to just trust someone you’ve only recently met and know so little about?’

Or, as unrealistic and unreasonable:

‘What?! You’re expecting your partner to trust you, to believe everything you say just because you say it?’

Well – yes, I guess I am.

Friends of the opposite sex

A good example of this is to do with having friends of the opposite sex. If I tell a new partner that a male friend is just a friend and nothing more and a friendship that I value, I would want him to accept that – not ask me to drop the friend.

But encountering people who think so differently has made me question myself. Am I expecting too much?

If a partner is unhappy with me seeing a male friend – it suggests he either thinks I’m lying about the present situation or doesn’t trust me to respond appropriately to any future situation. Neither of these feel like a very good basis on which to begin a new relationship.

I think it does also depend on what kind of relationship we want. I’m sure most of us would agree we wouldn’t want one based on dishonesty and deceit.

But do we want a relationship where our partner has to modify their behaviour to soothe every little anxiety and insecurity we may feel, however unfounded? Or do we want one where we are invited, lovingly, to challenge our insecurities?

As a couple, if we can’t agree on this – I think we’re in for a rocky ride.

A recent chat with a work colleague revealed that he is battling with this very issue in his relationship. His girlfriend is struggling to trust him, despite him not giving her any reason to doubt his fidelity. Eighteen months into the relationship and she is still routinely searching his phone for suspect messages and photos from other women. He says he loves her but is aware of ‘the warning signs’.

Can a relationship really work if either or both partners are constantly scrutinising, second-guessing and suspecting the other? If you’ve ever had one of those relationships you will know – it can be exhausting and not a lot of fun.

Being vulnerable

Some of those who lean towards the second approach admit to having ‘been burned’ before. They have good reason, they say, not to trust. They’ve been hurt and they’ll be damned if they leave themselves vulnerable again.

For those who have been deceived in previous relationships, not trusting is probably an entirely human and reasonable response.

On the other hand, what do we risk – what do we stand to lose – by not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, by not putting our trust in another?

I like the way this friend put it:

‘The first approach is the wisest.

The second is fuck-all to do with love.’

QUESTION: What do you think is the best approach to trust, in relationships?

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