“How Online Dating Made Me a Man-Basher #1”

Audible Blog

A few months back I wrote the following post on my Facebook page: “I think men are wonderful.” This probably fell within that category of posts commonly seen as ‘irritatingly unforthcoming’ but I hoped it might raise a few smiles. It attracted a flurry of ‘likes’ and ‘lols’ as well as a few bemused comments, questioning my meaning. It was a huge generalisation, of course, but meant as a tongue-in-cheek expression of my appreciation of the opposite sex.

Moaning about men

I had been hearing a lot of man-bashing from female work colleagues and Facebook ‘friends’, who were repeatedly berating all men as a result of some bad experiences. This irritated me. But it also made me appreciate how lucky I was to have such lovely men in my life. These men – friends, neighbours, cousins, colleagues, exes – were intelligent, honest, respectful and kind. Not perfect, of course, but decent.

So I didn’t want to jump on the bandwagon of moaning about men when, to be honest, I had no real reason to.

And then I signed up to six months with a major dating site and all of that changed.

Suddenly, I was online with 50,000 men at my fingertips, and – tap, tap, swipe, swipe, click – absolutely NO quality control.

Single ladies (and gents) beware – the false feeling of comfort and abundance that online dating initially delivers. The infinite possibilities, the promise of plenty: ‘Wow, all these men – for me?!’

Search criteria

While most dating sites do allow you to filter and search via an impressive range of criteria – height, weight, build, body type, hair colour, eye colour, age, location, occupation, education, income, religion, nationality, ethnicity, habits, hobbies, astrological sign, dress style and relationship status – nowhere can you set a filter for decency.

This is where online dating falls down.

None of the above criteria are, individually, really that important. If I’m looking for a long-term partner, what I really need to know is:

1. Are they a good person?
2. Do we get on?
3. Are we attracted to each other?

It is not possible to know any of these things by perusing a page of vital statistics and a few profile (and pet!) photos. The only way to know is by meeting up in person but, seriously, who has time to go on hundreds or even dozens of dates?

Let’s get real, online dating is time-gobbling: from the initial exchanges on-line to swapping numbers, to Whatsapping, to preliminary phone chats and making plans to meet – it devours the hours! Your friends and family wonder where the hell you’ve gone because you’re spending all your social time messaging and meeting up with people you will most likely never want to see again.

Online dating & box-ticking

And by which criteria do you judge whether someone is worth meeting up with? Scrolling through an online profile, I have no idea if I will like this person: their company and conversation; the sound of their voice; their smell; the way they move. So I have to go by the boxes. Online dating encourages box-ticking because that’s all you’ve got:

• Ooh, this guy’s an Aries!
• Ah, this guy’s got a Master’s degree!
• OMG, this guy goes to the gym five times a week!

SO – WHAT?!

Won’t necessarily make him a nice person to be around.

Won’t necessarily make him a good match for me.

As I found out – many times.

Some of the repeat offenders: 

the YES Guy, the NO Guy, the HI Guy, the Incredible Vanishing Man, the Scam Artist, the Serial Winker, Mr Freaky Photos, the Second-Message Sex-Monster.

Cynical, sceptical and disillusioned

So, after six months of online dating I have to admit: I’m left feeling pretty cynical, sceptical and disillusioned.

I have had some good dates too, of course; some adventures and some learning – so it’s all good life experience.

But it was only when a friend reminded me of my Facebook post from last Autumn that I realised.

I have become a man-basher.

I keep finding myself ranting – to people, pets, inanimate objects: reading aloud from my phone the latest maddening message from an online guy.

 But that’s enough moaning. This is what online dating has done to me and this is why I’m getting out – while I still can.

I do think men are wonderful.

I just might need some reminders now and again.

QUESTION: How effective do you think online dating is, as a method of meeting one’s match?

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Click here for “How Online Dating Made Me a Man-Basher #2”

Click here for a previous post on ONLINE DATING