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“How Online Dating Made Me a Man-Basher #2”

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These, then, are my TOP TEN types of trouble; the different kinds of guys I have encountered in my travels through the wibbly wobbly world of online dating.

1. The Scam Artist:

Online dating

His messages were gushing and lengthy, littered with effusive expressions more befitting a Mills & Boon bodice-ripper. They also made no specific reference to me or my profile and looked suspiciously like a copy-and-paste job. His profile was far too good to be true: tall, dark and handsome; never married, no children but absolutely wants both; romantic, well-off and oh-so-weary of the bachelor life. I also smelt a rat when he slipped in his six-figure salary and being away on a two-week trip to the Phillipines. I had a feeling I was being set up for a swindle. I was. When I went back on the dating site the next day his profile had been flagged ‘inappropriate’ and all of our messages deleted – ‘for my own safety’.

2. The Serial Winker:

I’ve had a few of these, but one definitely wins the prize. He has been winking at me online for months. I once messaged him to ask if he had anything to say, to ask me – perhaps. He apologised for all the winking, then went right back to winking. Winking is easy, I wanted to tell him – it’s the online equivalent of a wolf-whistle – but it’s not going to get you a girlfriend. And besides, nobody wants a winker.

3. The Hi Guy:

He is one step up from the Serial Winker. One very small step. He at least takes the time to write. One word. ‘Hi.’ Now I don’t need much. I’m not expecting a full paragraph and I promise not to pull you up on your punctuation but please – ONE WORD?! Not ‘Hi, how’s your day going?’ or even, ‘Hi, how are you?’ Just – Hi. I’m shouting at my screen now, cheeks flushing with indignance: ‘IS THAT ALL YOU’VE GOT?!’

4. The Incredible Vanishing Man:

Without a doubt, the most frustrating of all. It starts well, with some mutual winking. Then just as we’re arranging to speak or meet, he disappears – poof! Just like that. I keep an eye on my inbox for a few days then write him off. Weeks later, and he’s back – apologising but still keen. We exchange a few more messages then – poof! He’s gone again. I had two of these but totally gave up on them in the end. Both seemed really nice, but we had been messaging for months with still no phone chat or date in sight. I think one was mid-midlife crisis as he kept mentioning ‘personal issues’. The other one must have been married.

5. Mr Freaky Photos:

There are way too many weird pictures on dating sites. Holiday and pet photos have now become standard, though still infuriating. One guy uploaded 27 images, 21 of which (I kid you not) were hotel, pool and beach shots without him even featured. Another guy posted several photos of, what looked like, his local pound shop. Another – a picture of a plate of chips. Most disturbing: the guy who uploaded a picture of a woman sitting suggestively on a bed in a hotel room, ample bosom advancing, while he – presumably – issued stage directions from behind the camera.

6. Mr 5’ 10”:

This is an easy one to identify. Do not believe any guy on a dating site who tells you that he’s 5’ 10”. He’s not. He’s 5’ 8″, 5’ 9″ tops – probably shorter. Fact about online dating: women lie about their age, apparently, while men lie about their height.

7. The NO Guy:

I have come across profile photos that have made me recoil with a high-pitched yelp not unlike the sound your cat makes when you accidentally tread on its tail. And it’s often nothing to do with their physical features. It is their facial expression. There’s the fixed, cold stare (psychopath); the intensely-furrowed brow (stress head); the vacant ‘checked-out’ look in the eye (clinically-depressed); and the total lack of warmth and vitality (the living dead). These guys are not smiling in any of their mostly-blurry photos (miserable buggers) and often look unwell – physically and mentally. NO!!!

8. The YES Guy:

With this type, it’s an immediate yes! Yes! YES!! He’s attractive, athletic, educated, about my age and smiling! Often listed as separated or divorced, this man is back on the market and whipping up a female frenzy. I spend half an hour crafting a brief but brilliantly-witty message to which he never responds. He is being inundated, of course, by similar messages from multitudes of misty-eyed women. He owns the market. With this many options, he simply pours himself a cocktail, sits back and basks in the sunshine of mass admiration. He starts working his way through the young and beautiful and gets snapped up (or bored) before he gets to the attractive or average ones of his own age. If a YES Guy does respond, be warned, it’s because he is a number 1 or a number 10.

9. Mr Jump the Gun:

It’s lovely when a man is appreciative and enthusiastic but when he starts talking BIG very early on, I get suspicious. One guy kept telling me that our connection and chemistry was ‘terrific and strong’ when we hadn’t even met or spoken yet! He was insisting we were a perfect match, based on nothing but a few initial non-flirty messages.

10. The Second-Message Sex Monster:

Though his profile may indicate otherwise, this guy is only after one thing: low-drama, no-strings fun. Commitment-phobe or freshly freed from a sexless marriage – this is a penis on the prowl. Hold on to your panties! He’ll sweeten you up with a soft-focus first message: ‘Hello beautiful, love your smile. How are you?’ then – when you reply: ‘Well, thanks. Just taken my Mum out for a birthday lunch. How are you?’ – comes in for the kill: ‘I’m good – just getting into bed.’ (You know where that one’s going.) Or worse: ‘Horny for you, if you’re interested?’ Or even worse: ‘Fancy a party for two, at my place? Uncle Charlie is invited.’ (I had to google that one!)

And finally a glimmer of hope …
Online dating

The MAYBE Guy:

Of all the men I have met online this has been the most positive and promising type. Not an immediate YES or NO, but one you might keep coming back to. Perhaps no Adonis in the looks or body department – but there is something nice about him: a warm smile, a cheekiness, a spark behind the eyes. In all my experiences with different dating sites over the years, it’s the MAYBE guys I would put my money on every time.

Closing thoughts:

On reflection, maybe this isn’t a blog about man-bashing.

As a heterosexual woman I can only speak about my online experiences with men, but I’m sure plenty of guys would jump at the chance of regaling us with their own (female) dating types and tales.

Online dating has definitely made me an online dating-basher.

Let’s be honest, as with all online activities, it encourages crappy, shabby, irritating behaviour from both men and women.

Perhaps dating sites should come with a health warning:

DANGER! Prolonged exposure to online dating can induce feelings of misandry, misogyny or even general widespread misanthropy. Please enjoy sensibly and know your limits.

QUESTION: What are some of the different dating types (male/female) you have encountered online?

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24 Comments

    • Tracy Starreveld

      6th June 2017 at 3:35 pm Reply

      Hi Carl,
      I don’t think sleaze balls / creeps are welcome on any dating site, are they?!
      It’s not about barring people who are ‘looking for sex’ – that’s pretty much everyone, isn’t it?!.

      What I object to is when people create perfectly-polite profiles that say they’re looking for love / a relationship then message you propositioning you for sex. That’s being dishonest. Nothing wrong with only wanting casual, but then people should be up front about that.
      Tinder was initially a site for people looking for a casual hook-up, was it not? But then it seemed to develop and attract all sorts, including those wanting a relationship. I think many dating sites/apps start out with a particular profile then evolve over time.
      Feel free to recommend any good dating sites, yourself? : )
      All the best,
      Tracy.

  • Ajay

    6th June 2017 at 1:12 pm Reply

    Some female types:

    1. The Pen Pal
    the woman that writes long messages back and forth but doesn’t want to speak on phone or meet. most likely, she’s married and just wants to flirt.

    2. The Over Ex
    the woman that insists she’s over her ex, but clearly isn’t as she spends 99% of the time talking about him.

    3. Ms Head and Shoulders
    the selfie expert who can take great photos of the top part of her body but doesn’t post any full length shots, meaning that you’re in for a surprise when you see her (clue: she isn’t slim). why not just be open about your figure?

    4. The Goldfish
    the woman that doesn’t remember anything about you and asks you questions (location, do you have children, age) that could be answered by simply reading the dating profile.

    5. The Fairy Tale Princess
    the most common and most frustrating woman of all. the one that has a list of attributes that her potential partner must have: and she will not deviate from that list. at no point does it occur to the woman that such a man does not exist/is unlikely to be single/would probably not be interested in her.

    • Tracy Starreveld

      6th June 2017 at 3:20 pm Reply

      This is brilliant, Ajay, thank you for sending me your alternative list of ‘female types’.
      I’ve also come across numbers 1, 3 & 4 – love the names you’ve given them!
      Feel free to post more as and when they occur to you : )
      All the best,
      Tracy.

    • Joco

      11th February 2023 at 10:35 am Reply

      I would say that there are 4 common motivations for women using online dating sites which include:

      1) Seeking a serious relationship: Some women are looking for a committed and long-term relationship and use online dating as a way to meet potential partners.

      2) Seeking casual dating: Some women may be looking for more casual dating experiences, such as going on dates or having fun without the pressure of a long-term commitment.

      3) Looking for friendship: Some women may use online dating as a way to meet new people and expand their social circle, without any romantic expectations.

      4) Seeking validation: Some women may use online dating as a way to boost their self-esteem by receiving attention and compliments from potential partners.

  • Paul

    11th June 2017 at 8:50 pm Reply

    Excellent! Just the right balance of realism and humor to keep you reading. There are lots of these characterizations on the internet, of course, but yours seem just that bit more believable to take them out of cliche. Why would anyone post of photo of a pound shop???

  • Sebastiana

    30th June 2017 at 8:43 am Reply

    This was really fun to listen to, Tracy! I chuckled quite a few times.

    Great descriptions, can just picture these guys!

  • Www.linux.net

    4th August 2017 at 12:13 pm Reply

    Hello would you mind sharing which blog platform you’re using?
    I’m going to start my own blog soon but I’m having a hard time selecting between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal.
    The reason I ask is because your layout seems different to most blogs and I’m looking for something unique.

    P.S My apologies for getting off-topic but I had to ask!

  • Brandy

    8th August 2017 at 7:29 am Reply

    Has to be one of the most entertaining blogs I’ve “read” (heard).. LOVED the touch of audio to enhance the blog! Could actually hear yr personality and feeling behind the story lOl loved this!

  • www.linux.net

    24th August 2017 at 5:07 pm Reply

    Hi, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one
    and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam remarks?

    If so how do youu protect against it, any plugin or anything yoou
    can advise? I get so much lately it’s driving me insane so any support
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    • Tracy Starreveld

      28th August 2017 at 3:17 pm Reply

      Hello!
      Thanks for reading my blog – however occasionally!
      I get very little spam, hardly any, but then I was recommended to instal plugin ‘Akismet’ which I believe blocks out a lot of spam, and also gives you the chance to manually approve each comment as it comes in. Beware that’s also a setting – I had to select the option that said ‘manually approve all’.
      Hope that’s helpful!
      Are you using WordPress?
      Tracy.
      https://akismet.com

  • Bryce Convery

    2nd May 2018 at 9:30 pm Reply

    Excellent blog here! Also your website loads up very fast!
    What web host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host?
    I wish my web site loaded up as fast as yours lol

    • Tracy Starreveld

      25th July 2018 at 1:07 am Reply

      Hello Bryce
      Apologies for the slow response – seemed to have missed your comment.
      Thanks for the positive feedback!
      I created the site using WordPress and my web hosting provider is BlueHost.
      I am not currently using affiliate links.
      All the best with your own blog,
      Tracy.

  • Rodolph Watson

    27th July 2019 at 6:12 am Reply

    Very good article, so important, when you read you can understand what you need and it is so amazing.

    Its so important to me everything about love history, love, dating etc.

    Now I’m using WordPress on my website https://vippy.me, and its a dating website, so its very difficult to do many things on website, and this blog always helps me.

    I’m waiting for your next post, so I know what I need to do to up my website with these words.

    So thank you.

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